Hello Universe,
I always feel funny at my greeting because I only have one follower so far. Hi Jim! So today I am posting to the Universe with faith that my messages will begin to land.
I have recently found the e-course I've been looking for (Kelly Rae Robert's Flying Lessons) as I have sat in the fruit bowl like an overripe banana. As I suspected, it has unearthed the most tremendous flow of self-discovery and truth that I have ever experienced. It has been such a catalyst for me that I feel a bit like the BP oil spill. I'm comin' out whether the world is ready for me or not. Whether I am ready for me or not. (I am not. But, according to Kelly, nobody ever is.) So then how do I handle the simultaneous eruptions that are exploding from within me? A book. A column. Painting. Photography. Blogging. And that's just to name a few.
How do you control the flow of the BP oil spill? It is bigger than anyone can imagine or accept. And it doesn't care that it's killing all the fish. The answer? You suck up as much as you can and divert the rest. Much like the oil spill, I am not able to quit my job to try and do ALL of these things at once. In fact, if I really think about it I don't even want to. I want to savor every step and absorb every drop along the way and schedule the rest for later.
So how do you get a fire hose to trickle like a sprinkler so that you don't kill the flowers? The answer: there has to be a place where the overflow gets directed. There also has to be a very strong nozzle to divert it where it needs to go. Today I will purchase my Personal Growth calendar. It will have a page for a long list where the excess water can be diverted. Each time I develop an idea, a task, a goal, I will write it down. I will then prioritize the list and transfer it to the calendar. I will write in pencil so I can change things as my priorities shift.
Truth is, I like the fire hose. It feels good to get unstopped. I want so badly to let it flow and not have to restrict it anymore. But I know that if I do it will kill the flowers. So I have to learn to manage my dreams not keep them in. I am managing them so that they can live, flourish and blossom. Though it feels a lot like holding them in, in reality I am letting them leak out. I am no longer thinking about my purpose without following it. Instead, I am taking small steps in order to let the flowers bloom. Maybe I will find a photo of a very delicate looking flower and tape it to my kitchen window to remind me to tread with care. To tend the flowers not kill them with my hose.
I will buy a plant today. One that requires a little water every day. And as I water it each morning, I will take note of the nice, soft soil, look for new sprouts and pluck dead leaves that impede its growth. It will need to be an indoor plant so I can tend it all year round.
I have no idea which plant it will be. I am completely open and excited to see what it is. It might be something totally unexpected. But I will learn to love this plant over time and see what makes it beautiful - all the things that I have missed when I have passed it before. I may even give it a name, change its name, make it my pen name, or stick with the original name ... I get to decide.
I had a cactus once. It died because I didn't water it enough. I replaced it with an African Violet which was such a fun plant to watch because it could go from totally dead to teaming with life within a day of watering. This time, I will look for something that is forgiving like the violet, yet grows very fast. I know that at times I may water my new plant too much and it will yellow. Other times, I may neglect it and dry leaves may appear. As it grows I will need to re-pot it or it will die for lack of soil. But I will keep trying until I get it down. Even if I have to buy a new plant.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Spewing to Uncover the Gratitude
Today I am a slow loris. My energy is gone. I did not sleep well. It's tough to concentrate and I'm just plain exhausted. Coffee is one idea - though I've already had three cups. I will go and get some and be right back...
In a way I am lucky. No one here to supervise me - all day to get my work done... I am reminded of Oprah's gratitude journal. I think it's a good idea for today. But first I must clear my plate of the clutter: hot, muggy day; details, details for kids summer activities,end of school, birthday celebrations; prep for school meeting with ex-husband and his awful wife prying over the phone; constantly reading degrading and harrassing emails from ex-husband; preparing for litigatin with ex-husband; heaps of laundry and dishes all over my house; scattered piles of work on my desk at work; doing two full time jobs; getting advice from my fiance and having to listen to his reactions to my feelings as if they were plans; knowing and feeling that I am in debt from last year's post-divorce legal battle; struggling to get two kids with ADHD out the door for school before their medication has kicked in - morning after morning after morning; struggling to make dinner every night the minute I get home for 3 starving boys and a family of 5; managing evening sports and homework; feeling bad about my body because I eat to comfort myself; having too little time for myself and exercise; no time to "be borne" with my writing and art yet feeling like I'm bursting at the seams; feeling guilty that my dog never gets walked who has recently decided to poop and pee in the basement several times a week; baseball tournaments EVERY Saturday and Sunday for the next month and a half; trying to stay involved in my fiances new business that neither of us have time for; dealing with his cranky mood as he installs a batting cage in our backyard by himself (except for when I needed to help him with the two-MAN gas-powered auger)and has too much to do just like I do; having to drive 45 minutes to church which makes it hard to get there and hard to get filled up for the week; having to replace and replant all the flowers I bought for $100 that died; having a full load at work. I think that just about covers it.
Now ..... what am I grateful for? Kids who adore me that I love immensely, a fiance who loves me, supportive family - especially when times get rough, my mother's gift of paying for me legal fees this time around - something I will remember long after she's gone, fun summer activities to come like boating and going to my mom's cabin, Memorial weekend this weekend - time to catch a breath, slowly seeing my debt go down, excitement about the batting cage in our own backyard, having a day at work to begin to catch up, new supportive friends at work, a sense of purpose from my job, knowing that I will inspire others with my writing and my art - probably sooner rather than later,having a boss that I am learning a lot from and whose trust I have earned; living in this beautiful small town of Forest City with all it's new and exciting stores popping up, having a child-centered school that supports my kids in any way needed, finding a well-respected attorney to handle my case,having good friends who have a strong faith and believe in me, being a child of God, learning new ways to cope with the harrassing emails from my ex and knowing that I am being made a stronger person for a reason, trusting God's plan for me, learning to love myself more - even when I don't look my best, or maybe I should say, in spite of not looking my best, learning from my exeriences such as knowing that I do not like to work in sales, proving to myself over and over again that I can make it through days like this.
P.S. I Am Write - Who are you?
In a way I am lucky. No one here to supervise me - all day to get my work done... I am reminded of Oprah's gratitude journal. I think it's a good idea for today. But first I must clear my plate of the clutter: hot, muggy day; details, details for kids summer activities,end of school, birthday celebrations; prep for school meeting with ex-husband and his awful wife prying over the phone; constantly reading degrading and harrassing emails from ex-husband; preparing for litigatin with ex-husband; heaps of laundry and dishes all over my house; scattered piles of work on my desk at work; doing two full time jobs; getting advice from my fiance and having to listen to his reactions to my feelings as if they were plans; knowing and feeling that I am in debt from last year's post-divorce legal battle; struggling to get two kids with ADHD out the door for school before their medication has kicked in - morning after morning after morning; struggling to make dinner every night the minute I get home for 3 starving boys and a family of 5; managing evening sports and homework; feeling bad about my body because I eat to comfort myself; having too little time for myself and exercise; no time to "be borne" with my writing and art yet feeling like I'm bursting at the seams; feeling guilty that my dog never gets walked who has recently decided to poop and pee in the basement several times a week; baseball tournaments EVERY Saturday and Sunday for the next month and a half; trying to stay involved in my fiances new business that neither of us have time for; dealing with his cranky mood as he installs a batting cage in our backyard by himself (except for when I needed to help him with the two-MAN gas-powered auger)and has too much to do just like I do; having to drive 45 minutes to church which makes it hard to get there and hard to get filled up for the week; having to replace and replant all the flowers I bought for $100 that died; having a full load at work. I think that just about covers it.
Now ..... what am I grateful for? Kids who adore me that I love immensely, a fiance who loves me, supportive family - especially when times get rough, my mother's gift of paying for me legal fees this time around - something I will remember long after she's gone, fun summer activities to come like boating and going to my mom's cabin, Memorial weekend this weekend - time to catch a breath, slowly seeing my debt go down, excitement about the batting cage in our own backyard, having a day at work to begin to catch up, new supportive friends at work, a sense of purpose from my job, knowing that I will inspire others with my writing and my art - probably sooner rather than later,having a boss that I am learning a lot from and whose trust I have earned; living in this beautiful small town of Forest City with all it's new and exciting stores popping up, having a child-centered school that supports my kids in any way needed, finding a well-respected attorney to handle my case,having good friends who have a strong faith and believe in me, being a child of God, learning new ways to cope with the harrassing emails from my ex and knowing that I am being made a stronger person for a reason, trusting God's plan for me, learning to love myself more - even when I don't look my best, or maybe I should say, in spite of not looking my best, learning from my exeriences such as knowing that I do not like to work in sales, proving to myself over and over again that I can make it through days like this.
P.S. I Am Write - Who are you?
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Wear Your Armor Well
Today I am reminded that things such as job loss, chronic difficulties with an ex-husband and financial stress are difficult yet, when I think about it,someone else has always got things worse than I do. Someone just learned they have cancer. Someone's kids are being abused and they are stuck in the legal system that allows it to continue. Some people are losing their homes. Others have lived through the devastation of a massive earthquake. When my problems feel like mountains, I remind myself of these things. Other times, I take a moment and imagine my problems magnified times ten and I am even more grateful that my situation isn't worse.
Some of my life's struggles have an ending point that, even if a long ways away, makes them somewhat more palatable. Other things feel like a chronic illness - overwhelming me with yet another episode before I've fully had a chance to recover from the previous one.
I asked my dear friend Jim, who thankfully knows his Bible well, for some helpful scripture. This is what he came back with:
Ephesians 6:10-18 (New International Version)
The Armor of God
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
May you wear your armor well and prosper even in times of difficulty knowing God is the shield before your heart. IAW
Some of my life's struggles have an ending point that, even if a long ways away, makes them somewhat more palatable. Other things feel like a chronic illness - overwhelming me with yet another episode before I've fully had a chance to recover from the previous one.
I asked my dear friend Jim, who thankfully knows his Bible well, for some helpful scripture. This is what he came back with:
Ephesians 6:10-18 (New International Version)
The Armor of God
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
May you wear your armor well and prosper even in times of difficulty knowing God is the shield before your heart. IAW
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Waiting to Spill
After three long weeks I got scheduled for a telephone interview for a teller position with Wells Fargo. One of the openings is 30 hours a week which would be full benefits and may help with the 45 min. commute. My friend Charisse once worked as a teller and said it was fun. It was a positive way to start the day.
I also just applied for a position online only to have it disappear and then be no longer posted as an opening! Luckily, I know the head of HR and she said they'd hire another person for that role if they found the right one. I have a call in to her...
I can feel how relieved I'll be once I get a job. It's like I'm holding my breath on all this creative stuff to stay focused until I get one. I can't imagine what will come spilling out of me then!
It's an exciting day in Forest City. School is getting out early today because the high school boys' basketball team is going to State! Half the people in town are traveling to Des Moines tonight to see their first game. All the kids ordered t-shirts to show their school spirit! If they get to the finals I think we'll have to join the rest of the town to cheer on the team - especially since my boys are all bball players! I love this small town spirit and support for sports!!! My boys sure are lucky to be the future recipients of such wonderful commotion.
Today is a good day. Though I'd rather do some writing or art, I will work on my budget. Maybe if I really get going, I'll allow myself a break or two to finish a few of my scribbled thoughts. I am glad to be motivated - even on this cloudy day!
I also just applied for a position online only to have it disappear and then be no longer posted as an opening! Luckily, I know the head of HR and she said they'd hire another person for that role if they found the right one. I have a call in to her...
I can feel how relieved I'll be once I get a job. It's like I'm holding my breath on all this creative stuff to stay focused until I get one. I can't imagine what will come spilling out of me then!
It's an exciting day in Forest City. School is getting out early today because the high school boys' basketball team is going to State! Half the people in town are traveling to Des Moines tonight to see their first game. All the kids ordered t-shirts to show their school spirit! If they get to the finals I think we'll have to join the rest of the town to cheer on the team - especially since my boys are all bball players! I love this small town spirit and support for sports!!! My boys sure are lucky to be the future recipients of such wonderful commotion.
Today is a good day. Though I'd rather do some writing or art, I will work on my budget. Maybe if I really get going, I'll allow myself a break or two to finish a few of my scribbled thoughts. I am glad to be motivated - even on this cloudy day!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Glowing Peace and Calmness
Beautiful pre-birthday celebration with my Love last night. First we went to see a movie and I took a brief break in my South Beach diet for some popcorn with REAL butter! Then off to a nice restaurant for yummy hors d'vours and wine, loving conversation and a long drive home through the beautiful darkness.
Today I am motivated to figure out what my monthly expenses are so I can determine how much I need to make in my next job. I rose naturally at 7:30 (God definitely had a hand in that!) and am starting with a brief blog and coffee as my Love reads his Overton's magazine and dreams about boating days this summer.
Our conversation goes something like this. Me: "Hm. What an odd email." Him: "I want to put interior lights in this year." Me: "I didn't get past the screener for the personal banker job." It's actually nice. We're together in spirit but doing what each of us wants to do.
So how do I feel that I didn't get past the screener for the personal banker job? Well besides the fact that I had huge doubts about working for such a large organization that requires me to work late during the week and every other Saturday and is 45 min. away I knew I was MORE than qualified. So again, I will take God's lead: "This is not for you". Thank you Lord for helping me to move past it and not make a choice that is not of your liking. And what should pop up, but a business analyst position for a great company 30 minutes away where a friend of mine is head of HR. I don't yet know if this is the right direction for me to go but I believe you are guiding me Lord and I TRUST YOU. What a joyful place to be in my relationship with God.
You know that look of glowing power and calmness people have when they're strong Christians? Well I am starting to have it. Of course not all the time - I'm only human. But I am really living my life with God at the center. Thank you Lord for this breakthrough. Forgive me for doubting and for taking so long to get here. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for providing me with stirring Christian rock songs that I crank in the car and how they fill me to overflowing. Thank you for entering in my relationship with my Love and for slowly becoming our centre and the centre for our family. Be with us as we journey to make you our Savior. Amen
Today I am motivated to figure out what my monthly expenses are so I can determine how much I need to make in my next job. I rose naturally at 7:30 (God definitely had a hand in that!) and am starting with a brief blog and coffee as my Love reads his Overton's magazine and dreams about boating days this summer.
Our conversation goes something like this. Me: "Hm. What an odd email." Him: "I want to put interior lights in this year." Me: "I didn't get past the screener for the personal banker job." It's actually nice. We're together in spirit but doing what each of us wants to do.
So how do I feel that I didn't get past the screener for the personal banker job? Well besides the fact that I had huge doubts about working for such a large organization that requires me to work late during the week and every other Saturday and is 45 min. away I knew I was MORE than qualified. So again, I will take God's lead: "This is not for you". Thank you Lord for helping me to move past it and not make a choice that is not of your liking. And what should pop up, but a business analyst position for a great company 30 minutes away where a friend of mine is head of HR. I don't yet know if this is the right direction for me to go but I believe you are guiding me Lord and I TRUST YOU. What a joyful place to be in my relationship with God.
You know that look of glowing power and calmness people have when they're strong Christians? Well I am starting to have it. Of course not all the time - I'm only human. But I am really living my life with God at the center. Thank you Lord for this breakthrough. Forgive me for doubting and for taking so long to get here. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for providing me with stirring Christian rock songs that I crank in the car and how they fill me to overflowing. Thank you for entering in my relationship with my Love and for slowly becoming our centre and the centre for our family. Be with us as we journey to make you our Savior. Amen
Friday, March 5, 2010
Spring in my Heart
God is calling me to be what I am supposed to be. So why do I hold back? I can feel the inspiration building. The weekend is here. Poems and books keep sprouting from me on little slips of paper around the house. It is time to capture them. Today's message to myself and those who are following: You are a crocus bursting through snow. Happy creating! IAW
Monday, March 1, 2010
Trust and Beauty
Hello Fellow Bloggers!
I am so happy to connect with you again! I look forward to hearing from you and learning more about the people who stop here.
Had a good time with my best friend Charisse this weekend. She is so much fun, so positive and always there to offer good, practical advice. Thanks so much for being you,Charisse!
Nevertheless, the weekend was a little bumpy for me. I began to feel that Forest City is such a small town and that the job opportunities are so few and far between and felt panicky and boxed in. At the same time, I started to add up my mounting debt (I get a big pat on the back for tackling this rather than finding another reason to avoid it.) and couldn't help but feel oppressed and a little powerless. I found myself doing my usual "gripping" that I do when I feel anxious about something and want to solve it - NOW!
Then I went to church.
Ah, yes. We have a beautiful, lovely, rockin' church in Savage, MN. I sang along, clapped, and felt the beautiful chill throughout my body as we celebrated being in community in the presence of God. It was beautiful. (There's that word again - beautiful. My first impulse is to edit it out, but I will not as it appears to be the word of the day. Perhaps it is the word I will hold as I do some centering prayer (meditation) today. I think there is something for me to find in that word today. Thank you Lord.)
As for today, I am in great spirts, despite having a sick child at home. The sun is shining and - like so many of you - I can just feel the winter subsiding. My mind slips to backyard bonfires under the great black sky filled with stars, sitting in the breeze on the couch that usually ends up in our garage, our make-shift patio. This is a beautiful place to be, this Forest City.
At times like this I am aware of how big my obstacles may seem when in reality they are very managable. It will happen. I eventually will get a job. If I have to get a job in the neighboring town 45 min. away, I will find a way to make it work for my kids, making dinner, getting homework done, etc. God will show me the way.
This is His plan so who am I to question it? Please Lord help me to stop gripping and keep putting my trust in You. Even if I have to do it 1,000 times a day I will do it. Thank you for making me so aware of my habits of "gripping". This is the spiritual growth I know that you want for me. Thank you for the lessons. Help me learn to be more faithful every day. Amen.
I am so happy to connect with you again! I look forward to hearing from you and learning more about the people who stop here.
Had a good time with my best friend Charisse this weekend. She is so much fun, so positive and always there to offer good, practical advice. Thanks so much for being you,Charisse!
Nevertheless, the weekend was a little bumpy for me. I began to feel that Forest City is such a small town and that the job opportunities are so few and far between and felt panicky and boxed in. At the same time, I started to add up my mounting debt (I get a big pat on the back for tackling this rather than finding another reason to avoid it.) and couldn't help but feel oppressed and a little powerless. I found myself doing my usual "gripping" that I do when I feel anxious about something and want to solve it - NOW!
Then I went to church.
Ah, yes. We have a beautiful, lovely, rockin' church in Savage, MN. I sang along, clapped, and felt the beautiful chill throughout my body as we celebrated being in community in the presence of God. It was beautiful. (There's that word again - beautiful. My first impulse is to edit it out, but I will not as it appears to be the word of the day. Perhaps it is the word I will hold as I do some centering prayer (meditation) today. I think there is something for me to find in that word today. Thank you Lord.)
As for today, I am in great spirts, despite having a sick child at home. The sun is shining and - like so many of you - I can just feel the winter subsiding. My mind slips to backyard bonfires under the great black sky filled with stars, sitting in the breeze on the couch that usually ends up in our garage, our make-shift patio. This is a beautiful place to be, this Forest City.
At times like this I am aware of how big my obstacles may seem when in reality they are very managable. It will happen. I eventually will get a job. If I have to get a job in the neighboring town 45 min. away, I will find a way to make it work for my kids, making dinner, getting homework done, etc. God will show me the way.
This is His plan so who am I to question it? Please Lord help me to stop gripping and keep putting my trust in You. Even if I have to do it 1,000 times a day I will do it. Thank you for making me so aware of my habits of "gripping". This is the spiritual growth I know that you want for me. Thank you for the lessons. Help me learn to be more faithful every day. Amen.
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