Today I am a slow loris. My energy is gone. I did not sleep well. It's tough to concentrate and I'm just plain exhausted. Coffee is one idea - though I've already had three cups. I will go and get some and be right back...
In a way I am lucky. No one here to supervise me - all day to get my work done... I am reminded of Oprah's gratitude journal. I think it's a good idea for today. But first I must clear my plate of the clutter: hot, muggy day; details, details for kids summer activities,end of school, birthday celebrations; prep for school meeting with ex-husband and his awful wife prying over the phone; constantly reading degrading and harrassing emails from ex-husband; preparing for litigatin with ex-husband; heaps of laundry and dishes all over my house; scattered piles of work on my desk at work; doing two full time jobs; getting advice from my fiance and having to listen to his reactions to my feelings as if they were plans; knowing and feeling that I am in debt from last year's post-divorce legal battle; struggling to get two kids with ADHD out the door for school before their medication has kicked in - morning after morning after morning; struggling to make dinner every night the minute I get home for 3 starving boys and a family of 5; managing evening sports and homework; feeling bad about my body because I eat to comfort myself; having too little time for myself and exercise; no time to "be borne" with my writing and art yet feeling like I'm bursting at the seams; feeling guilty that my dog never gets walked who has recently decided to poop and pee in the basement several times a week; baseball tournaments EVERY Saturday and Sunday for the next month and a half; trying to stay involved in my fiances new business that neither of us have time for; dealing with his cranky mood as he installs a batting cage in our backyard by himself (except for when I needed to help him with the two-MAN gas-powered auger)and has too much to do just like I do; having to drive 45 minutes to church which makes it hard to get there and hard to get filled up for the week; having to replace and replant all the flowers I bought for $100 that died; having a full load at work. I think that just about covers it.
Now ..... what am I grateful for? Kids who adore me that I love immensely, a fiance who loves me, supportive family - especially when times get rough, my mother's gift of paying for me legal fees this time around - something I will remember long after she's gone, fun summer activities to come like boating and going to my mom's cabin, Memorial weekend this weekend - time to catch a breath, slowly seeing my debt go down, excitement about the batting cage in our own backyard, having a day at work to begin to catch up, new supportive friends at work, a sense of purpose from my job, knowing that I will inspire others with my writing and my art - probably sooner rather than later,having a boss that I am learning a lot from and whose trust I have earned; living in this beautiful small town of Forest City with all it's new and exciting stores popping up, having a child-centered school that supports my kids in any way needed, finding a well-respected attorney to handle my case,having good friends who have a strong faith and believe in me, being a child of God, learning new ways to cope with the harrassing emails from my ex and knowing that I am being made a stronger person for a reason, trusting God's plan for me, learning to love myself more - even when I don't look my best, or maybe I should say, in spite of not looking my best, learning from my exeriences such as knowing that I do not like to work in sales, proving to myself over and over again that I can make it through days like this.
P.S. I Am Write - Who are you?
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