I am behind in my e-course. But last night I read the time management post. I had to. I've been going around all week asking myself, How do I carve out time to make art? Something's got to give, but what? I can't take time away from my kids. I can't be irresponsible and quit my job. My boss will not let me reduce my hours - believe me, I don't need to ask. I am completely and totally committed to doing my art, but where will I make the cut?
This past Sunday I decorated my first cigar keepsake box with my best friend Charisse.To my delight, it turned out great! I even decided I that I am a mixed media artist. I had a hunch before I started on the box and now it is confirmed.
Part of my hunch came from the fact that I loved so many things - photography, writing, painting, collage. Yet I am not a purest. (I am one of the few who gave kudos to James Frey for embellishing the truth in his memoir A Million Little Pieces. It made the story better and that's what I wanted: a good read.) Yes, I can take photos that inspire me. But when I show them to other people, I don't get the big, "Wow!" that I'm looking for. I honestly think it's because stunning photographs are a dime a dozen. They're everywhere. (For all the purist photographers out there: I totally admire you for the type of artist you are and I appreciate and love great photography.) But for me, straight photography was missing something. It was only a partial expression of talents.
This reminded me that I had identified three types of art, all of which would constitute who I am as an artist. I just hadn't imagined using them all together until now. I imagine painting atop a photograph, inserting words into some paintings, plastering buttons and other found items on my paintings and brushing over them with an opaque paint. Yes, mixed media allows me to put my own print on each piece. It makes each one uniquely me.
So, how will I make the time to be a mixed media artist? Three things sunk in from Kelly's class. First, I need to clarify my goals, break them into small steps and put them on my calendar. I had already figured out the first two steps but had yet to list them on my calendar. Very important difference! Second, plan a schedule only one week out every Sunday and stick to it. Know that my schedule will vary as projects and demands vary. Be open for the changes. And finally, Kelly confirmed for me what I already knew but had made me feel irresponsible in the past: when you feel the passion, follow it even at the expense of balance. The inspiration will eventually ebb and you can catch up then.
This got me thinking. How will I explain the lack of balance to my kids? They will be impacted too. I have come up with three strategies: get them to bed on time and spend one hour each evening creating in my studio. In fact, I will designate the time 8:30 - 9:30 so that I won't be too tired. I will tell the boys that the clock will dictate bedtime regardless of whether on not they have eaten their snack, brushed their teeth, etc. This will actually be a good lesson to them as I will be demonstrating discipline and time management skills. As they get older and stay up later, I may allow them to be in the studio with me making creations of their own on one condition: they are quiet.My boys are very gifted artists themselves - even my stepson. Maybe this will allow them to develop yet another skill and passion in their lives. Finally, and most importantly, I will not make excuses or feel guilty for the huge flows of inspiration and resulting imbalance. My family will just have to learn how to pick up the pieces. Here's what I will tell them:
Being an artist
Is like being a farmer.
You gotta make hay while the sun shines -
Sometimes until the cows come home...
They will catch on. And so will I.
I Am Mixed Media
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Ready for Success
Good Morning!
Last night I was able to talk to each of my parents about some very touchy subjects. For the first time ever, I was able to remain calm, patient, understanding and emapthetic while at the same time, giving them helpful strategies and tools to manage the situation. I was even able to bounce false accusations back at the accuser without coming off as defensive, angry or hurt. My dad remarked that my reframing of the situation was so helpful and that he has learned so much from me and that I am practically like a therapist to him. That meant a lot. Yet, it wasn't as if I was a child seeking long-sought recognition from a parent. Instead it confirmed my awareness of the grown, wise woman I've become because of all my hard work and therapy. It was deeply satisfying to not be triggered by the same old stuff that has triggered me in the past and I was grateful to be able to be of such help to my father.
Just a few weeks ago, I may not have been quite able to manage this in the same manner. But I am now deeply confident and happy with myself. I actually have arrived at a place where I love myself through and through for the very first time in my life. (I have been working diligently on this for thirteen years! Watch for my book of poems about the early days and how therapy made such a shift in my life.) It feels so good to walk around without my victim hanging out. I am only a victim when I choose to be, which is rare these days because I am intentionally noticing when my victim tries to show up and I'm not letting it do the driving anymore.
The best part is that not only do I know, not think, that I will be a successful artist. I haven't one doubt about it even though I'm not 100% sure what my art (in the broadest sense) will look like. I like being open about it and letting it evolve indefinitely. I no longer feel the need to align myself with one category, i.e. painter, photographer, writer. I now know that creativity involves self-expression and that, as you grow, the need to express different things in different manners changes. It is a beautiful thing to accept all aspects of myself and I am eager to see what springs forth.
I also know, not think, that I am finally able to hold the financial piece that comes with success - again for the first time ever. Why? Because you can't blow your money when you truly love yourself. You can ony make healthy choices with it because our choices reflect how we feel about ourselves just as how, when we love ourselves, we no longer let people treat us poorly.
Before, I always had the uncomfortable feeling that I would be somewhat irresponsible with success. But now, I have broad enough shoulders to hold it. I will not feel arrogant or let my success go to my head. Instead, I expect to feel much the same as I do know - solidly content and happy and pleasantly pleased with my accomplishments - only it will be multiplied in a very calm and satisfying way. It will feel so good to pay things off and save more for college and retirement. It will feel so good to do good things for myself and others. It will feel so good to sponsor some children through World Vision, contribute to the Humane Society, Planned Parenthood and other wonderful organizations.
Thank you Lord for the gift of self-love. I know I have earned it but I couldn't have done it without You.
I Am Write (Among Other Things)
Last night I was able to talk to each of my parents about some very touchy subjects. For the first time ever, I was able to remain calm, patient, understanding and emapthetic while at the same time, giving them helpful strategies and tools to manage the situation. I was even able to bounce false accusations back at the accuser without coming off as defensive, angry or hurt. My dad remarked that my reframing of the situation was so helpful and that he has learned so much from me and that I am practically like a therapist to him. That meant a lot. Yet, it wasn't as if I was a child seeking long-sought recognition from a parent. Instead it confirmed my awareness of the grown, wise woman I've become because of all my hard work and therapy. It was deeply satisfying to not be triggered by the same old stuff that has triggered me in the past and I was grateful to be able to be of such help to my father.
Just a few weeks ago, I may not have been quite able to manage this in the same manner. But I am now deeply confident and happy with myself. I actually have arrived at a place where I love myself through and through for the very first time in my life. (I have been working diligently on this for thirteen years! Watch for my book of poems about the early days and how therapy made such a shift in my life.) It feels so good to walk around without my victim hanging out. I am only a victim when I choose to be, which is rare these days because I am intentionally noticing when my victim tries to show up and I'm not letting it do the driving anymore.
The best part is that not only do I know, not think, that I will be a successful artist. I haven't one doubt about it even though I'm not 100% sure what my art (in the broadest sense) will look like. I like being open about it and letting it evolve indefinitely. I no longer feel the need to align myself with one category, i.e. painter, photographer, writer. I now know that creativity involves self-expression and that, as you grow, the need to express different things in different manners changes. It is a beautiful thing to accept all aspects of myself and I am eager to see what springs forth.
I also know, not think, that I am finally able to hold the financial piece that comes with success - again for the first time ever. Why? Because you can't blow your money when you truly love yourself. You can ony make healthy choices with it because our choices reflect how we feel about ourselves just as how, when we love ourselves, we no longer let people treat us poorly.
Before, I always had the uncomfortable feeling that I would be somewhat irresponsible with success. But now, I have broad enough shoulders to hold it. I will not feel arrogant or let my success go to my head. Instead, I expect to feel much the same as I do know - solidly content and happy and pleasantly pleased with my accomplishments - only it will be multiplied in a very calm and satisfying way. It will feel so good to pay things off and save more for college and retirement. It will feel so good to do good things for myself and others. It will feel so good to sponsor some children through World Vision, contribute to the Humane Society, Planned Parenthood and other wonderful organizations.
Thank you Lord for the gift of self-love. I know I have earned it but I couldn't have done it without You.
I Am Write (Among Other Things)
Friday, June 25, 2010
When Words Are Not Enough...
I just hooked up with an old friend of mine. She shared that her husband had had a severe stroke and was now living in a nursing home, both of their fathers had died on the SAME DAY and her daughter died of a chronic lung disease in January. All this in just a two year time span! It really put some perspective on my life.
Please pray for Jan. She is struggling with her faith and could use your prayers.
Thanks!
IAW
Please pray for Jan. She is struggling with her faith and could use your prayers.
Thanks!
IAW
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Birthing a Game Plan
Hello Fellow Bloggers!
Just a quick note to say that the growth is happenin'! In fact, it's happening so fast that my fiance says all I ever talk about is the e-course I'm taking. It's true. But when you only have 15 minutes of quality time a day, I feel it's my responsibility to let him know that I'm changing. Otherwise, he'll wake up some day next to someone he doesn't even know!
My kids have been gone this week so it will be interesting when they get back to see how I carve out my e-course time. Interestingly enough, my mom has invited them to spend a week at her cabin in mid July so I will again have another good chunk of time with less responsibilities. This is not random. The Lord has arranged it that way. He knows more than anyone that I need room for this growth. He wants to support me in living into my Purpose.
It reminds me, in a sad way, of a client I once had as a social worker. Her husband had shot her in the arm and then shot himself to death in front of the children. You could see the bullet underneath her skin and she explained that the doctor said it would eventually work its way out on its own.
It's the only thing I can think of to describe where I'm at. It's comin' out whether I feel ready or not so I must make room somehow. Scary? Yes. Managable? I think so, though I'm not sure what it will look like exactly. I've had to accomodate a lot of things in my life that weren't planned so I'm sure I can do it again.
I will take a deep breath. I will walk around the block. I will take a bath and soak. Just to slow down and listen. The game plan will come.
IAW
Just a quick note to say that the growth is happenin'! In fact, it's happening so fast that my fiance says all I ever talk about is the e-course I'm taking. It's true. But when you only have 15 minutes of quality time a day, I feel it's my responsibility to let him know that I'm changing. Otherwise, he'll wake up some day next to someone he doesn't even know!
My kids have been gone this week so it will be interesting when they get back to see how I carve out my e-course time. Interestingly enough, my mom has invited them to spend a week at her cabin in mid July so I will again have another good chunk of time with less responsibilities. This is not random. The Lord has arranged it that way. He knows more than anyone that I need room for this growth. He wants to support me in living into my Purpose.
It reminds me, in a sad way, of a client I once had as a social worker. Her husband had shot her in the arm and then shot himself to death in front of the children. You could see the bullet underneath her skin and she explained that the doctor said it would eventually work its way out on its own.
It's the only thing I can think of to describe where I'm at. It's comin' out whether I feel ready or not so I must make room somehow. Scary? Yes. Managable? I think so, though I'm not sure what it will look like exactly. I've had to accomodate a lot of things in my life that weren't planned so I'm sure I can do it again.
I will take a deep breath. I will walk around the block. I will take a bath and soak. Just to slow down and listen. The game plan will come.
IAW
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Taming the Fire Hose
Hello Universe,
I always feel funny at my greeting because I only have one follower so far. Hi Jim! So today I am posting to the Universe with faith that my messages will begin to land.
I have recently found the e-course I've been looking for (Kelly Rae Robert's Flying Lessons) as I have sat in the fruit bowl like an overripe banana. As I suspected, it has unearthed the most tremendous flow of self-discovery and truth that I have ever experienced. It has been such a catalyst for me that I feel a bit like the BP oil spill. I'm comin' out whether the world is ready for me or not. Whether I am ready for me or not. (I am not. But, according to Kelly, nobody ever is.) So then how do I handle the simultaneous eruptions that are exploding from within me? A book. A column. Painting. Photography. Blogging. And that's just to name a few.
How do you control the flow of the BP oil spill? It is bigger than anyone can imagine or accept. And it doesn't care that it's killing all the fish. The answer? You suck up as much as you can and divert the rest. Much like the oil spill, I am not able to quit my job to try and do ALL of these things at once. In fact, if I really think about it I don't even want to. I want to savor every step and absorb every drop along the way and schedule the rest for later.
So how do you get a fire hose to trickle like a sprinkler so that you don't kill the flowers? The answer: there has to be a place where the overflow gets directed. There also has to be a very strong nozzle to divert it where it needs to go. Today I will purchase my Personal Growth calendar. It will have a page for a long list where the excess water can be diverted. Each time I develop an idea, a task, a goal, I will write it down. I will then prioritize the list and transfer it to the calendar. I will write in pencil so I can change things as my priorities shift.
Truth is, I like the fire hose. It feels good to get unstopped. I want so badly to let it flow and not have to restrict it anymore. But I know that if I do it will kill the flowers. So I have to learn to manage my dreams not keep them in. I am managing them so that they can live, flourish and blossom. Though it feels a lot like holding them in, in reality I am letting them leak out. I am no longer thinking about my purpose without following it. Instead, I am taking small steps in order to let the flowers bloom. Maybe I will find a photo of a very delicate looking flower and tape it to my kitchen window to remind me to tread with care. To tend the flowers not kill them with my hose.
I will buy a plant today. One that requires a little water every day. And as I water it each morning, I will take note of the nice, soft soil, look for new sprouts and pluck dead leaves that impede its growth. It will need to be an indoor plant so I can tend it all year round.
I have no idea which plant it will be. I am completely open and excited to see what it is. It might be something totally unexpected. But I will learn to love this plant over time and see what makes it beautiful - all the things that I have missed when I have passed it before. I may even give it a name, change its name, make it my pen name, or stick with the original name ... I get to decide.
I had a cactus once. It died because I didn't water it enough. I replaced it with an African Violet which was such a fun plant to watch because it could go from totally dead to teaming with life within a day of watering. This time, I will look for something that is forgiving like the violet, yet grows very fast. I know that at times I may water my new plant too much and it will yellow. Other times, I may neglect it and dry leaves may appear. As it grows I will need to re-pot it or it will die for lack of soil. But I will keep trying until I get it down. Even if I have to buy a new plant.
I always feel funny at my greeting because I only have one follower so far. Hi Jim! So today I am posting to the Universe with faith that my messages will begin to land.
I have recently found the e-course I've been looking for (Kelly Rae Robert's Flying Lessons) as I have sat in the fruit bowl like an overripe banana. As I suspected, it has unearthed the most tremendous flow of self-discovery and truth that I have ever experienced. It has been such a catalyst for me that I feel a bit like the BP oil spill. I'm comin' out whether the world is ready for me or not. Whether I am ready for me or not. (I am not. But, according to Kelly, nobody ever is.) So then how do I handle the simultaneous eruptions that are exploding from within me? A book. A column. Painting. Photography. Blogging. And that's just to name a few.
How do you control the flow of the BP oil spill? It is bigger than anyone can imagine or accept. And it doesn't care that it's killing all the fish. The answer? You suck up as much as you can and divert the rest. Much like the oil spill, I am not able to quit my job to try and do ALL of these things at once. In fact, if I really think about it I don't even want to. I want to savor every step and absorb every drop along the way and schedule the rest for later.
So how do you get a fire hose to trickle like a sprinkler so that you don't kill the flowers? The answer: there has to be a place where the overflow gets directed. There also has to be a very strong nozzle to divert it where it needs to go. Today I will purchase my Personal Growth calendar. It will have a page for a long list where the excess water can be diverted. Each time I develop an idea, a task, a goal, I will write it down. I will then prioritize the list and transfer it to the calendar. I will write in pencil so I can change things as my priorities shift.
Truth is, I like the fire hose. It feels good to get unstopped. I want so badly to let it flow and not have to restrict it anymore. But I know that if I do it will kill the flowers. So I have to learn to manage my dreams not keep them in. I am managing them so that they can live, flourish and blossom. Though it feels a lot like holding them in, in reality I am letting them leak out. I am no longer thinking about my purpose without following it. Instead, I am taking small steps in order to let the flowers bloom. Maybe I will find a photo of a very delicate looking flower and tape it to my kitchen window to remind me to tread with care. To tend the flowers not kill them with my hose.
I will buy a plant today. One that requires a little water every day. And as I water it each morning, I will take note of the nice, soft soil, look for new sprouts and pluck dead leaves that impede its growth. It will need to be an indoor plant so I can tend it all year round.
I have no idea which plant it will be. I am completely open and excited to see what it is. It might be something totally unexpected. But I will learn to love this plant over time and see what makes it beautiful - all the things that I have missed when I have passed it before. I may even give it a name, change its name, make it my pen name, or stick with the original name ... I get to decide.
I had a cactus once. It died because I didn't water it enough. I replaced it with an African Violet which was such a fun plant to watch because it could go from totally dead to teaming with life within a day of watering. This time, I will look for something that is forgiving like the violet, yet grows very fast. I know that at times I may water my new plant too much and it will yellow. Other times, I may neglect it and dry leaves may appear. As it grows I will need to re-pot it or it will die for lack of soil. But I will keep trying until I get it down. Even if I have to buy a new plant.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Spewing to Uncover the Gratitude
Today I am a slow loris. My energy is gone. I did not sleep well. It's tough to concentrate and I'm just plain exhausted. Coffee is one idea - though I've already had three cups. I will go and get some and be right back...
In a way I am lucky. No one here to supervise me - all day to get my work done... I am reminded of Oprah's gratitude journal. I think it's a good idea for today. But first I must clear my plate of the clutter: hot, muggy day; details, details for kids summer activities,end of school, birthday celebrations; prep for school meeting with ex-husband and his awful wife prying over the phone; constantly reading degrading and harrassing emails from ex-husband; preparing for litigatin with ex-husband; heaps of laundry and dishes all over my house; scattered piles of work on my desk at work; doing two full time jobs; getting advice from my fiance and having to listen to his reactions to my feelings as if they were plans; knowing and feeling that I am in debt from last year's post-divorce legal battle; struggling to get two kids with ADHD out the door for school before their medication has kicked in - morning after morning after morning; struggling to make dinner every night the minute I get home for 3 starving boys and a family of 5; managing evening sports and homework; feeling bad about my body because I eat to comfort myself; having too little time for myself and exercise; no time to "be borne" with my writing and art yet feeling like I'm bursting at the seams; feeling guilty that my dog never gets walked who has recently decided to poop and pee in the basement several times a week; baseball tournaments EVERY Saturday and Sunday for the next month and a half; trying to stay involved in my fiances new business that neither of us have time for; dealing with his cranky mood as he installs a batting cage in our backyard by himself (except for when I needed to help him with the two-MAN gas-powered auger)and has too much to do just like I do; having to drive 45 minutes to church which makes it hard to get there and hard to get filled up for the week; having to replace and replant all the flowers I bought for $100 that died; having a full load at work. I think that just about covers it.
Now ..... what am I grateful for? Kids who adore me that I love immensely, a fiance who loves me, supportive family - especially when times get rough, my mother's gift of paying for me legal fees this time around - something I will remember long after she's gone, fun summer activities to come like boating and going to my mom's cabin, Memorial weekend this weekend - time to catch a breath, slowly seeing my debt go down, excitement about the batting cage in our own backyard, having a day at work to begin to catch up, new supportive friends at work, a sense of purpose from my job, knowing that I will inspire others with my writing and my art - probably sooner rather than later,having a boss that I am learning a lot from and whose trust I have earned; living in this beautiful small town of Forest City with all it's new and exciting stores popping up, having a child-centered school that supports my kids in any way needed, finding a well-respected attorney to handle my case,having good friends who have a strong faith and believe in me, being a child of God, learning new ways to cope with the harrassing emails from my ex and knowing that I am being made a stronger person for a reason, trusting God's plan for me, learning to love myself more - even when I don't look my best, or maybe I should say, in spite of not looking my best, learning from my exeriences such as knowing that I do not like to work in sales, proving to myself over and over again that I can make it through days like this.
P.S. I Am Write - Who are you?
In a way I am lucky. No one here to supervise me - all day to get my work done... I am reminded of Oprah's gratitude journal. I think it's a good idea for today. But first I must clear my plate of the clutter: hot, muggy day; details, details for kids summer activities,end of school, birthday celebrations; prep for school meeting with ex-husband and his awful wife prying over the phone; constantly reading degrading and harrassing emails from ex-husband; preparing for litigatin with ex-husband; heaps of laundry and dishes all over my house; scattered piles of work on my desk at work; doing two full time jobs; getting advice from my fiance and having to listen to his reactions to my feelings as if they were plans; knowing and feeling that I am in debt from last year's post-divorce legal battle; struggling to get two kids with ADHD out the door for school before their medication has kicked in - morning after morning after morning; struggling to make dinner every night the minute I get home for 3 starving boys and a family of 5; managing evening sports and homework; feeling bad about my body because I eat to comfort myself; having too little time for myself and exercise; no time to "be borne" with my writing and art yet feeling like I'm bursting at the seams; feeling guilty that my dog never gets walked who has recently decided to poop and pee in the basement several times a week; baseball tournaments EVERY Saturday and Sunday for the next month and a half; trying to stay involved in my fiances new business that neither of us have time for; dealing with his cranky mood as he installs a batting cage in our backyard by himself (except for when I needed to help him with the two-MAN gas-powered auger)and has too much to do just like I do; having to drive 45 minutes to church which makes it hard to get there and hard to get filled up for the week; having to replace and replant all the flowers I bought for $100 that died; having a full load at work. I think that just about covers it.
Now ..... what am I grateful for? Kids who adore me that I love immensely, a fiance who loves me, supportive family - especially when times get rough, my mother's gift of paying for me legal fees this time around - something I will remember long after she's gone, fun summer activities to come like boating and going to my mom's cabin, Memorial weekend this weekend - time to catch a breath, slowly seeing my debt go down, excitement about the batting cage in our own backyard, having a day at work to begin to catch up, new supportive friends at work, a sense of purpose from my job, knowing that I will inspire others with my writing and my art - probably sooner rather than later,having a boss that I am learning a lot from and whose trust I have earned; living in this beautiful small town of Forest City with all it's new and exciting stores popping up, having a child-centered school that supports my kids in any way needed, finding a well-respected attorney to handle my case,having good friends who have a strong faith and believe in me, being a child of God, learning new ways to cope with the harrassing emails from my ex and knowing that I am being made a stronger person for a reason, trusting God's plan for me, learning to love myself more - even when I don't look my best, or maybe I should say, in spite of not looking my best, learning from my exeriences such as knowing that I do not like to work in sales, proving to myself over and over again that I can make it through days like this.
P.S. I Am Write - Who are you?
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