Good Morning!
Last night I was able to talk to each of my parents about some very touchy subjects. For the first time ever, I was able to remain calm, patient, understanding and emapthetic while at the same time, giving them helpful strategies and tools to manage the situation. I was even able to bounce false accusations back at the accuser without coming off as defensive, angry or hurt. My dad remarked that my reframing of the situation was so helpful and that he has learned so much from me and that I am practically like a therapist to him. That meant a lot. Yet, it wasn't as if I was a child seeking long-sought recognition from a parent. Instead it confirmed my awareness of the grown, wise woman I've become because of all my hard work and therapy. It was deeply satisfying to not be triggered by the same old stuff that has triggered me in the past and I was grateful to be able to be of such help to my father.
Just a few weeks ago, I may not have been quite able to manage this in the same manner. But I am now deeply confident and happy with myself. I actually have arrived at a place where I love myself through and through for the very first time in my life. (I have been working diligently on this for thirteen years! Watch for my book of poems about the early days and how therapy made such a shift in my life.) It feels so good to walk around without my victim hanging out. I am only a victim when I choose to be, which is rare these days because I am intentionally noticing when my victim tries to show up and I'm not letting it do the driving anymore.
The best part is that not only do I know, not think, that I will be a successful artist. I haven't one doubt about it even though I'm not 100% sure what my art (in the broadest sense) will look like. I like being open about it and letting it evolve indefinitely. I no longer feel the need to align myself with one category, i.e. painter, photographer, writer. I now know that creativity involves self-expression and that, as you grow, the need to express different things in different manners changes. It is a beautiful thing to accept all aspects of myself and I am eager to see what springs forth.
I also know, not think, that I am finally able to hold the financial piece that comes with success - again for the first time ever. Why? Because you can't blow your money when you truly love yourself. You can ony make healthy choices with it because our choices reflect how we feel about ourselves just as how, when we love ourselves, we no longer let people treat us poorly.
Before, I always had the uncomfortable feeling that I would be somewhat irresponsible with success. But now, I have broad enough shoulders to hold it. I will not feel arrogant or let my success go to my head. Instead, I expect to feel much the same as I do know - solidly content and happy and pleasantly pleased with my accomplishments - only it will be multiplied in a very calm and satisfying way. It will feel so good to pay things off and save more for college and retirement. It will feel so good to do good things for myself and others. It will feel so good to sponsor some children through World Vision, contribute to the Humane Society, Planned Parenthood and other wonderful organizations.
Thank you Lord for the gift of self-love. I know I have earned it but I couldn't have done it without You.
I Am Write (Among Other Things)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I think you might be starting to love what many of us already love about you, Kari. Good work!!
ReplyDeleteCheck into Kiva.org or World Vision Micro. You can get involved at a personal level with a revolving micro-loan to a woman or group of women trying to break out into success -- and for many of them it only takes the equivalent of a couple month's worth of mocha cappucinos.